Catch and Release

My last dating experience was another set up by a friend, which I actually don’t mind at all, and prefer, because I trust my friends, so if they think this guy is a good guy, I trust them and feel more comfortable meeting the guy. It took a while for us to exchange numbers, but once we did, we were texting non-stop.  Like the first guy after my divorce, this guy was a few years younger, divorced with no kids (but said he wanted them), and sounded like he knew exactly what he wanted out of life and love. We actually had so much in common and just seemed to click (although this was all via text). We finally had our first phone conversation and I was so nervous, but made it through it and after that we talked every night (I would be so tired at work because we would be up so late talking, but it was worth it).  The only challenge I saw was his location…he lived 3 hours away.  Once we started trying to plan our first face to face meeting, we realized the scheduling challenges we were facing.  Once we realized how long it would be until we could meet, we decided to meet that night (completely impromptu), so he drove to see me and we went out.  I was attracted to him and found him so easy to talk to.  Again, I felt we just clicked…talked all night and had a good time.  Due to him living 3 hours away, he stayed the night (quite innocent) and the next morning, I got on a plane headed for a conference.  We continued to talk/text, about everything you could think of for the next few weeks.  He reeled me in, asking personal questions, sharing his story, wanting to know my story and everything about me, and since I felt so comfortable with him and already trusted him, I shared everything.  He was kind and caring, daily texting; good morning, drive safe, asking how I was, checking on my day, etc. He would apologize if he couldn’t talk right away or if it took him awhile to text back…communicating everything and anything.  It was refreshing.  I felt like I could talk to him about anything.

We both said we wanted to see each other again, so we planned our next date (Valentines weekend, ha ha).  I was planning this around Savanna because I refuse to have a lot of “uncles” in her life (he had never heard this term and thought it was hysterical) and although was very respectful of my decision for him not to meet her, was also letting me know he was ok meeting her (stressing that he was a good guy, and I had nothing to worry about).  We were supposed to have the weekend alone, par for the course, the schedule changed, and I now was going to have Savanna early Sunday morning.  He was ok with that and in fact we planned an event with my daughter and the friend who set us up.  He drove down here for our date, which I thought went well.  Since it was Valentines weekend, Saturday night was tough to get a reservation, and I did not want it to feel like Valentines Day (it was only our second date, no additional pressure was necessary), so we went to a place recommended by my girlfriend…not exactly my style and definitely not his style (very boujie, which was not a good choice) but we got through it.  We went back to my house and drank and talked the rest of the night, he stayed the night (innocent again) and the next morning we got up early, got ready, picked up my daughter and met our friends for the day.  The day was fun and I saw him interact with Savanna, which was amazing and I could tell in those moments I was falling for him.  We held hands, kissed, and he was attentive to both me and Savanna.  I definitely felt there was something real between us.  Crazy that only a little over a month (numerous text messages and phone calls) I was falling for him.

He seemed too good to be true.  I asked him a couple of times why he was single and he asked me the same thing.  I even told my friend’s wife I waiting for the other shoe to drop, which she responded “I don’t think it will, he is truly a good guy….”

That evening we were both tired and he had to drive back home, and although we both said we didn’t want him to go, I felt something different from him.  He left and something still felt “off” that night when he got home, and continued feeling this way through the next day; the texts seemed different and I had a strange feeling, but I told myself he was tired and busy with work.  My best friend told me I needed to plan to drive to his house the next weekend and I told her, “let’s wait a couple of days and see what happens, because I am getting a strange vibe and have a feeling he is feeling “differently”.  She thought I was crazy and told me I was overanalyzing things. Later that day, he text me that he wanted to talk after Savanna went to bed (that was what we normally did, but this time felt different) and I was right.  When we talked that evening, I could tell he was nervous, rambling and repeating himself…but he finally told me (not in a clear, concise way) that he did not think he was enough for me, did not have enough for me and that he would probably let me down and hurt both of us by him trying so hard to be enough for me.  In the late hours, it made no sense to me.  We had this discussion early on, about my success and what I have worked to achieve and that some men cannot handle a successful, independent woman (he said he could handle this). This discussion was proving that wrong.  I was definitely upset; this was not making sense to me or adding up.  I tried to get off the phone, with him asking me not to get off the phone upset, so I was mature and talked some more, let him have his out (he told me it was late and I needed to go to sleep), and we hung up.

I did not sleep that night, replaying the weekend and this conversation over and over in my head. I text him the next morning… trying to get clarification, and honestly, talk him out of this decision.  The text I received from him shocked me.  He basically told me that although what he said the night before was true, and although we connected on so many levels, something was missing…that chemistry was not there.  “HUH?  Really, while your tongue was down my throat, you were feeling no chemistry”, is what I wanted to say to him, instead I said; “if you are not feeling it, then there is nothing I can do to change that.” He told our mutual friend who set us up, that he did not feel that chemistry on the first date, which confused me even more since he got upset with me one night when I did not text him back.  I was with friends and did not text him until the next day and he said to me “when I like someone I do not treat them that way, I text them back.”  I explained to him the situation and it having nothing to do with if I liked him or not, I was just out with friends…it took a while for us to talk through this situation and how he was feeling. So how do you have no feelings for me, but you get upset when I don’t text you back when I am out with friends.  Other things he said/text over the time period did not add up to him saying he felt nothing, but to continue to try to analyze this would drive me crazy.

I even suggested we be friends.  I was thinking he is a good guy, he works in this industry, and we have a lot in common, it’s not that easy to make guy friends, so I thought why not be friends?

We went back to texting a lot and he became my sounding board for some serious issues taking place at work.  I trusted him, he made me laugh and I liked us talking.  Then things started crossing lines to more than friends (at least none of my guy friends and I talk the way him and I were talking), it was confusing me, but I realized I still had feelings for him so I went with it.  One night, I called him out on it, asked him what this was and in typical fashion, he avoided the question, then ignored the question, then his demeanor changed completely.  He was no longer initiating texts.  I was texting him , in which the texts were all about him.  That kind, caring guy was no longer showing himself, so I distanced myself, no longer initiating texts, and realized quickly that this was one-sided only I wanted a friendship or maybe more and his actions showed that.  I was hurting myself and decided the only way to stop hurting myself was to let go.  I stopped texting him, checking on him, sending him funny messages, etc….and exactly what I thought would happened…nothing.  I got nothing from him, no texts, no calls, no funny messages…nothing.  I do believe that if someone wants to talk to you they will; if they want to see you, they do; and if they want to be in your life, they make time to make that happen, even as a friend.

He reeled me in, caught me, and then released me.  It was quick but painful.  I feel that void of him not being in my life, not texting on daily basis, not laughing with, not there as a friend…it’s hard to let go of something/someone you wanted, but when you realize they let go of you or were never even holding on to you, it is easier.

“Sometimes you have to give up on people.  Not because you don’t care, because they don’t.”