First One

My first dating experience post divorce, I was positively certain it was the real thing.  I had known him awhile, so it felt comfortable and not as scary as opening up to a stranger.  There was such chemistry, crazy flirtation for a long time, fun bantering and I just felt safe with him.  He was younger (yeah me).  It moved quickly and ended as quickly as it started.

The one thing I am thankful for post divorce is finally listening to that little voice.  I heard that little voice loud and clear and although my friends told me I was crazy, I just had this feeling…this feeling that although he was adamant he wanted to be with me, accepted me being a single mom, accepted my independence and success; he did not really want to be with me and had changed his mind!  I could feel this change with him (and it was not subtle), although he never said a word to confirm my feelings, his actions showed it.  He was now working a lot, and was tired, and yada yada yada…

I asked him questions and expressed my feelings but he would never admit anything different, continued saying he wanted to see me, but was just busy with work.  Thankfully (depending on how you look at it) with social media today, I came across a profile picture of a girl and…you guessed it, this guy.  The mature woman I am, I copied the picture and sent it to him with some quip comment, expecting not to hear from him, but I did…with some lame explanation.

Although I said I heard the little voice and I did actually listen to it, I did let him play games with me for quite awhile.  We continued to text with mixed messages from him making me feel he still wanted me, still had feelings for me and he never mentioned this other girl, even though I knew she was in his life. When I did ask him about us…he would say “you are amazing, but you intimate me.”  What the hell does that mean???  Don’t men want an amazing woman…and I’m not Hulk Hogan, going to put you in head lock, so how am I intimating???

I think once you have been cheated on, you know the signs to look for, you do listen closely to that voice (you may ignore it for awhile) but eventually it gets so loud, you can no longer ignore it!  Funny text I received from him was a picture of something going on in his living room, then a minute later he sent the same picture again, stating he did not think the original was delivered.  I looked at both the pics and saw something different in them.  The first pic he sent had a framed photo of him and his girlfriend sitting on the shelf, and the second pic he sent no longer had the framed photo of him and his girlfriend.  Really?  Is it because he is young, or just a guy (no offense) but really to not think to look around at the evidence before you send a picture.  I laughed so hard!

The sad thing is I had to see him a lot, and I liked him alot, so I engaged in the text messages (that is all it was anymore).  I look back and think maybe it was the mere attention, maybe it was the feelings I had for him, maybe it was me being naïve that he would come to his senses and choose me…maybe, maybe maybe….

It was rejection and it hurt.  Hurt that he allowed me to open up to him and feel something, hurt that he chose another woman, hurt that I thought he wanted me, hurt that he didn’t.

Tough first dating experience…but as with all things in life it was a lesson. It got me over the divorce hump and got me to shave my legs regularly for awhile. Ha Ha

“If he wants you to be in his life, he’ll put you there.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.”